Tuesday, January 30, 2007


People who barely tolerate me,

For those of you who watch television (99.999999% of Americans) you are no doubt aware of the epic saga surrounding "extremely important American" (and ex-supermodel) Tyra Banks. This week Tyra expressed outrage on The Larry King Show that she was being unfairly attacked by the media. You see, swimsuit photos of her on the beach in Australia recently surfaced and showed a much heavier gal than we are accustomed to seeing in the Victoria's Secret catalogs, the pages of Mademoiselle, and in the fantasies of pimply-faced college freshmen who fervently clutch the aforementioned periodicals in one sweaty hand.

Tyra bitterly complained to Mr. King that the attacks on her weight were "mean spirited" and completely uncalled for. "Shame on the media!" she hissed. She explained that, as a healthy woman, her weight consistently fluctuates. So true, so true, young lady. In fact we should all learn to accept people for who they are and fight discrimination of any form! Let's proceed to the "sarcastic rebuttal" portion of my fine essay, the kind you've all come to dread as you move firmly in the direction of blocking my future e-mails.

Tyra Banks. Here's a woman who, for 15 years, made a fortune due to her lucky roll of the genetic dice. She was simply a "random recipient" of a face and figure that, at this particular point in history, happen to be considered attractive (and hugely lucrative). Celebrated as one of the most beautiful women in the world, Tyra was perfectly comfortable raking in millions of dollars while women considered "less attractive" or "heavy" had to get up each morning and work a real job. The meanness and discrimination that is part of our society was of no concern to Tyra back then, as she basked in the countless rewards of being slim and beautiful (and doing absolutely nothing!). Not a peep from her, ever, about how it may be sad that the fashion industry so richly rewards women deemed "beautiful" while rewarding the "heavy-set" or "plain" with only guilt, depression, and feelings of inadequacy. No admission that the fashion industry and their absurd, unrealistic definition of a "perfect woman" might just have something to do with the millions of cases of anorexia in America....

But, lo and behold, as soon as Tyra Banks actually BECOMES one of those "heavy people" who is discriminated against, everything changes! When a few of the tabloids who once splashed her hot body across their pages now poke fun at her for eating hot dogs, there is HELL to pay. Indeed, hell hath no fury like a (once-gorgeous) woman scorned! Is this not the height of hypocrisy or, at the very least, the width of hypocrisy (lame pun intended)?


Paul "Paul" Rosa

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Home Sweet Home!

After living in New York City for a number of years (and that number is "7"), I have learned quite a few things. Things like: Don't lick subway seats, always wear at least some clothing to church, and remember that DNA can ruin your life.

But I've also learned that all of the most expensive apartment buildings in this immense city have elegant-sounding names (usually displayed with a fancy font above the building entrance). Names like "Trump Towers," "The Seville," "Tuscany Plaza" or "Normandy Court." These buildings usually feature apartments that rent for over $2,500 a month and have such enviable amenities as swimming pools, valet service, and uniformed doormen. Boy howdy, that's living!

But what of the "less-prestigious" buildings, the ones lacking laundry rooms and perhaps requiring a 4-flight schlep up a dark, dirty staircase? Do these buildings not deserve to be named as well? Why, of course they do. For instance, a modestly-priced apartment dwelling might be known as "The Unashamed," "The Adequate," "The Stepping Stone," or "Keokuk Estates." The upwardly mobile residing within could, when returning home each day, gaze in satisfaction at the encouraging sign above the front door as they dream of better jobs to come, fame, or the unexpected, much-appreciated death of a wealthy relative.

And then there's the housing for the city's most unfortunate residents. For instance, a building dominated by a merciless slumlord who allows the rats to breed like mice may be labeled, "The Shame Shack." Buildings housing the down-and-out, desperate drug addicts, or overly-driven professional men who've suffered massive emotional breakdowns may boldly be dubbed, "The Downward Spiral," "Hopeless Harbor," or "Musty Manor." Perhaps a beautiful, highly-stylized sign "out front" would raise the spirits of the anguished residents and motivate them to pursue "brighter horizons" each and every time they come home. Turning their lives around and being happy could be as simple as that. Just ask The Hallmark Card Company!

In conclusion, let the Trumps, the Rockefellers, and the Vanderbilts sprinkle their fancy names up and down Park Avenue like so much smelly caviar. I say kudos to the working class and the despairing as they return each day to their "Good Enough For Now" hovels and dream of a brighter future!

Always supporting the common man,
Paul "Paul" Rosa

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Vegetative State of the Union


Many of you surely watched George W. Bush's State of the Union address on January 23. Like most of you, I was assured the country is being governed by a wise, visonary leader. Allow me now to summarize the four sections of the speech that impressed me most. And believe me, it was excruciating to winnow the list down to four magnificent, historic sections....

1. Mr. Bush was correct when he said we have to "get them (the terrorists) over there or they'll follow us over here." Wise words, sir, wise words indeed. So many dirty, liberal hippies don't seem to understand that, of the tens of thousands of "bad guys" fighting us in Iraq now, not a single man could be spared to come on over to the good ol' U.S. of A. right now to raise a little cain. Nope, they could not ask, say, 5-10 ne'er-do-wells to lay down their Kalashnikovs, pack their bags (no hair gel!), travel to Keokuk, and blow up the water tower! Yes, as long as we engage them over there, 100% of the terrorists will dedicate themselves to STAYING over there! So, logically, all we have to do is stay over there forever and they won't pester us over here. You are a wise man, Mr. President.

2. Next, as he has said many times before, our leader gravely announced, "They hate us because we're free." Indeed they do. Just ask any of the free citizens residing in Switzerland, Brazil, Norway, Canada, South Korea, Australia, Germany, Argentina, Sweden, Monaco, Bolivia, The Czech Republic, South Africa, Hungary, Finland, Portugal, Italy, Greece, Ireland, Liechtenstein, Iceland, Scotland, or Austria. They've all suffered terrorist attacks simply because they are free too, right? Right!

3. Mr. Bush also reminded all American patriots that "Cut and run is not a policy!" Wiser words have rarely been uttered. When a war lasts 4 years and over 3,000 Americans (and 600,000 innocent Iraqis) have lost their lives, it is insane to consider ending the conflict. Why? Because the moment we end this conflict, then all of those deaths will have been in vain! Regardless of how bad it gets over there we must remember that Saddam may very well have had WMD's and ties to terrorism because, well, you can't definitively prove otherwise. Sure, things have gone poorly recently because we did not understand fully that this is a land with ancient, intense, monstrously-confusing tribal rivalries. Admittedly it also doesn't help that 70% of Iraqis want us to leave, as do 73% of Americans. But again, we must eventually prevail or all of the tragedies will be for naught. If we do not give up then there is always hope and we will never need to mourn. Yes, Mr. President, fight on we must! "Cut and run" is insanity. "Cut and MOURN" is more like it. And mourning is for sissies.

4. Finally, Mr. Bush singled out a brave hero in the audience, Wesley Autrey, who recently saved a man's life on a New York City subway track. In a solemn voice, our president stated, "There is something wonderful about a country that produces a brave and humble individual like Wesley Autrey." Amen, sir, and God bless America!!! Pick any other country on earth (feel free to use those listed above) and their citizens would never, ever lift a finger to help a fellow citizen in need. Never. In fact, I've heard that the Dutch routinely allow children to drown in plain sight and the Brits typically allow old women to lie on the sidewalk for hours, should they happen to fall. That simply couldn't happen here in God's country, the only country on earth to produce "brave and humble" folks!! As Mr. Bush clearly implied, these good qualities are uniquely American. And Mr. Autrey, a black man who was born in a segregated black hosital in the south in 1957, knows full well what a fair and wonderful country this has always been.

So listen up you filthy, commie hippies: Our President knows what's best for you so grab a shower, get a haircut, and march on down to your local recruiting station. Why? Because your President, in his historic State of the Union address, has once again taught us all that FREEDOM ISN'T FREE!! He proudly served in Vietnam, so it's time you followed his lead!

-Citizen Paul

Monday, January 22, 2007

Moustaches Without Borders

Patient Readers,

Last year I read about a heroic organization known as "Doctors Without Borders." The goal of these highly-educated world travelers is to provide quality (often life-saving) health care to people living in impoverished countries.

One of the noble specialties of these doctors is to offer free cosmetic surgery to youngsters with cleft palates and hair lips. These poor children often lead lives of stunning isolation and depression as their superstitious communities (and often their own families) shun them, often feeling that Satan (or some other "dark force") has cursed the child and brought bad luck to the community as a whole.

Remarkably, with a budget of only $250 per child, a western doctor can make these children appear almost 100% "better" and the thrilled patients typically go on to enjoy wonderful lives complete with social inclusion and markedly improved appearances. So many wonderful stories, so much joy! Let Jesus sing.

Of course the more money that is donated to Doctors Without Borders, the more children can be relieved of these unsightly cleft palates and hair lips. We can certainly all agree that every child in need of such surgery deserves to receive it! After all, it is almost unthinkable that an American child would be forced to endure such misery. But of course, like with anything else, money is an important consideration and there is only so much of it to go around. Logically, if we could improve the appearance of these afflicted children at less expense, then more needy patients worldwide could be served (and saved). As civilized people, we must all agree that this is indeed an honorable pursuit.

As a fairly creative fellow ("Creative Paul" they called me in middle school) I have hit upon an idea to save approximately 99% of the aforementioned $250 cost on each and every child. "Bullocks!" you may thunder as you arrogantly puff on your pipe, but allow me to explain, you pompous, arrogant elitist!!!!

Instead of subjecting each sweet child to the actual (painful) cosmetic procedure, we must remind ourselves of 2 critical things:

1. The goal is to make each child look good.
2. Less expense means more relief for more children.

In light of these facts, I suggest that the surgeries are skipped altogether and we instead ship FAKE MOUSTACHES to afflicted children worldwide. May I now point out that not only will the moustaches serve to completely cover the "problem areas," but will also demonstrate to everyone in the given village that this child has a superb sense of humor! For $2.50 (again, a 99% savings) each and every needy child on earth can receive five novelty moustaches. On any given morning, free to match their mood for the day, the sweet youngsters can choose an "Ol' Fashioned Handlebar Moustache," a "Bushy Stalin," or a "Hitler Mini" (among others). These kids will not only look better but they will instantly be the most popular members of their communities!

In conclusion, everyone is a winner here! Again, the savings will allow 100 times as many children to confidently walk about (bringing laughter to all) with no visible cleft palates or hair lips and the brave doctors can then concentrate on more-urgent surgeries that actually save lives! I don't know if my idea will make me eligible for the Nobel Peace Prize or not, but be advised that I am thinking only of the children. You see, they are our future.

Please visit my website at www.
fakemoustachesforthekids.com and have your credit cards at the ready.

Comedian Without Borders,
Paul "Paul" Rosa

Sunday, January 21, 2007

God Likes The Colts More Than The Darfur Refugees.

On Sunday night, the Baltimore Colts beat the New England Patriots, 38-34. In an interview after the game, the head coach of the Colts, Tony Dungy, declared (like so many dull jocks do) that "All thanks goes to the Lord." Oh, does it really?

The Colts players busted their asses all year long to make it to the Super Bowl and all thanks goes to the Lord? Hmmmm. Hey, Tony, doesn't some of the credit go to the players? Even if he disagreed with that wild premise, perhaps he could at least show some respect to those players who are not Christian or (gasp!) not religious at all. But the holier-than-thou certainly can be pushy, can't they?

You see, religious people become excruciatingly annoying when they imply that everyone believes (or should believe) exactly as they do. Hey, Tony, it sure is super-duper that Jesus Christ has made you a happy fellow, but guess what....Some of us think your beliefs are nonsense! But we'd never say that (how impolite!) until you start slinging your personal views about like it's all simple, irrefutable math! Don't be such a bore, Tony. Instead, give 110% (or whatever it is that jocks do best)!

And if this coach truly believed God was responsible for assuring a Colts win, doesn't it follow then that God cared more about a football game on Sunday than easing some misery in Darfur, Iraq, or New Orleans? Actually, if the good Lord cared a whit about the people of New Orleans he would have prevented the Saints from getting thumped by the Chicago Bears! And here's what all the Christians say to points like these: God has his reasons. But of course he does.

I never hear Buddhists or Jews imply that their religious beliefs are the only valid ones. Why can't more Christians and Muslims follow this humble lead? For instance, why is it that everyone who wants religion taught in public schools wants it to be their own religion exclusively? I'd ask Rick Santorum but, well, he apparently changed his D.C. address.

It was obviously the Golden, Invisible Unicorn of Zanzibar who decided the Patriots should watch the Super Bowl on televison this year. If a coach said things like this he would no doubt be swiftly fired. But spout off about an invisible, bearded guy who lives in the clouds behind some "pearly gates" and the frothing faithful nod knowingly, approvingly, and "patriotically."

Sorry, I'm not drinking that Kool-Aid...

-St. Paul

Friday, January 19, 2007


Well-groomed readers,

I just watched Wynonna Judd on Larry King's show and my rising bile has once again moved me in the direction of my "laptop computer." By the way, friends from across the land, these fancy computers will be very popular one day, as they allow one to make typing mistakes and then go back later and actually ERASE them. I'm not kidding, this is super stuff!!

Anywho, big, bad Wynonna "I can't even spell salad" Judd was discussing her recent trip to Iraq, where she claims to have entertained the troops. I may point out here that just because you sing "at" a group of people does not necessarily mean they are "entertained." Perhaps the troops were in fact tormented by her inane, red-state warblings about country, honor, freedom, huntin', rodeos, pickups, "Daddy," and Skoal. But I (joyfully) digress.

Wynonna, like so many objectionable lemmings before her, said (with tear firmly planted in heavily-made-up eye) that "we should all take a moment to give thanks to the troops for protecting our freedom." She claimed that these brave men and women were the ones who protected our rights here in the land of the free and the home of the brave. Bullshit.

The reason that 70% of the country is against the war is because we have come to realize that we were LIED into war (and it is unwinnable). No WMD's, no links to terrorism, no nothing. So, these brave youngsters are NOT protecting our freedom but are in fact tragically, inadvertantly threatening our security by their actions (see Bush's own leaked reports!). An Army Sergeant who flew next to me over the holidays shared these sentiments exactly.

That's right, ladies and germs, we have sent our military abroad and betrayed them absolutely and inexcusably because their presence in the middle east actually endangers America. And while inadvertantly executing this ironic disservice, they die and are maimed by the tens of thousands. But George Bush and his collective bucket of vomitous lackeys continue to send young men and women into harm's way because, well, there's a legacy to consider.

And speaking of legacies, what goes into the Presidential Library of a man who admits to not reading? Coloring books? A jogging track? Air Force uniforms never worn? And let's not forget that snazzy, colorful "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" banner. This should hang directly above a photograph of George W. Bush packing his bags shortly after being successfully impeached.

Remember, the tragedy of more casualties is NOT that soldiers are dying while "protecting our freedom." They are dying because George Bush can't admit that 3,000 Americans and 600,000 innocent Iraqis have already died in vain. Sometimes the truth is an awful thing but good leaders embrace it nonetheless. Good leaders do that.
Maybe we can even elect some once we begin to ignore the tedious, ignorant words of uneducated people like Wynonna Judd!


Monday, January 15, 2007

Are We Not Morons?

Moments ago I listened to a television commercial pitching a skin cream to "those who are passionate about the health of their skin." The pitch man confidently stated that the product contained "shea and cocoa butter," as if everyone from Peru to Pittsburgh understood full well that these are clearly the finest things on earth to smear into one's skin on a twice-daily basis. Admittedly, "shea" and "cocoa butter" certainly sound like things that are probably good for the skin but I base this conclusion on ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, as do we all. Constantly.

In fact, I have never even heard of cocoa butter (neither have you) and I didn't even know the word "shea" existed outside of Shea Stadium. But the advertisement works because these clever folks know full well that senseless, smooth-sounding "buzz words" easily move the docile buying public to action.

The shampoo I use (Pantene) declares on its label, "contains Hidratacion Diaria." Now those wiser than I may question the logic in buying a cleansing product containing "Diaria," but to those meddlers I would reply, "Well, I just saw this on the label for the first time moments ago so get the F#*K off my back!" Sorry, I drank too much Mr. Pibb.

Again, this shampoo advertises that it contains "Hidratacion" as if this word is found in normal, everyday conversation. As if EVERYONE knows what Hidratacion is and is secure in the knowledge that it will safely cleanse one's hair. But let's be honest here. For all we know, Hidratacion could be just another name for..well..diarrhea!

My toothpaste tube reads "multi-action" (that's gotta' be good, right?!), my hair gel contains "Humectress!" (super stuff, I bet!), and my laundry detergent now comes with "NexXxel Finishing" (that's certainly a long-overdue addition, I suspect).

In conclusion, hats off to the advertisers for not only long ago perfecting the skill to bullshit us into buying virtually anything but now doing it by using "buzz words" that aren't even words! And we do not question these mysterious, exotic "words" because, well, they sound "lyrical" and must be impressive if they appear on a bottle! Oh, how they must laugh in their Madison Avenue offices as they blissfully smoke their opium pipes, enjoy Def Leppard cassettes, and order Thai food from "Momma Sang's."

We have all become obedient consumers and our power to truly choose disappeared long ago. Darwin would have loved this....


Sunday, January 14, 2007

Raisin' Hell in the House of the Lord....

On Sunday afternoon, at the famed Riverside Church in Harlem, I attended a large ceremony honoring Martin Luther King, Jr. I enjoyed several moving speeches detailing the need to continue Dr. King's struggle against racism and poverty. In particular, I enjoyed a speech aggressively advocating the necessity of providing accessible health care to all.

The keynote speaker was Senator (and Presidential hopeful) John Edwards of North Carolina. He spoke fluidly and powerfully on a number of topics before speaking out passionately against the continuing occupation of Iraq. At this point, the 1,700-strong crowd gave him a thunderous, 30-second standing ovation.

Just as the people began sitting down and the applause dwindled to a trickle (but just before he continued speaking), I thundered, "Then why did you vote to go to war in Iraq?!" He turned toward me and replied, "I have apologized countless times for that." Again, huge applause from the faithful, even though he did NOT answer my question.

As the event ended and hordes of people milled about the famous speakers (including New York Senator Charles Schumer and Martin Luther King III), I strolled up to Senator Edwards, shook his hand, and said, "Your vote for war helped get 3,000 Americans and hundreds of thousands of Iraqis killed. It's easy to apologize now but, again, why did you vote for this war?!" He looked extremely displeased (many TV cameras were rolling), and said to me, "Now is not the time." I countered, "Why not? This event is over now and I'm considering voting for you if you can explain your initial support for this war." He turned his back to me and walked away.

There you have it, folks, just another lousy snake-oil salesman and slimy politician. A U.S. citizen asks him a very pointed question on an extremely important topic and he chooses to simply walk away? I thought he wanted to work for ME!

Ladies and gentleman, if a politician voted for this war (when there was NO clear evidence of WMD's or links to terrorists), then he/she is an accessory to murder. Nothing more nothing less. If they wish to apologize, fine, but they should be compelled to explain their reasons for sending our young men and women into this unprovoked war in the first place. It's called

Among the leading Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, John McCain, and Rudy Giuliani all supported this war. Why? In my opinion, it is because at the time it seemed to be the wise course of action politically. Not because they believed Iraq was a danger to us. There was never any clear evidence of that. They simply thought the U.S. would prevail and chose to vote with what was popular, not with what was right. And thousands died for no reason...

We must insist on better leaders!

Gore/Obama anyone?

Hugs all around,

Thursday, January 11, 2007

20,000 More Troops....

I thoroughly enjoyed our President's inspired speech on Wednesday night. I especially appreciated it when he candidly admitted that there never were any WMD's (even though Donald Rumsfeld said he knew where they were) and absolutely no links to terrorists whatsoever.

It was also decent of him to conclude (as his own intelligence reports detailed!) that our presence in Iraq is creating far more chaos (and terrorists) than it eliminates. He also showed his sense of humor when he teased Dick Cheney for insisting four years ago that we would be "greeted as liberators."

Also, it was very brave of him to call on Saudia Arabia to finally have fair and open elections while embracing all the wonders of democracy.

And when he suggested we help the hundreds of thousands of suffering people in Darfur (even though they have no oil) by sending 20,000 American troops THERE (and not to Iraq), I realized this is one of the finest presidents ever. Just behind Chester Arthur but a notch ahead of Franklin Pierce.

Mr. Bush is a brilliant man who deserves our respect and should not be brought up on international war crimes along with the vice president and Condoleezza Rice.

Praise be to Jesus,