Body Armor

(Amusing Greeting Here),

One of the sad burdens many men carry for a lifetime is the constant obligation to appear "tough" or "cool." Most men make it their life's (exhausting) mission to appear completely unflappable and tough as nails. We learn this behavior as small boys and hone the facade throughout high school and into adulthood. And how do most men pursue this charade? Well, by appearing exactly like almost every other man in the country! These "fellas," in order to demonstrate their self-assured dominance, choose to slip into their tiresome, identical "costumes" each and every morning and strut around like Silverback gorillas. Laughable.

Go into any sports bar in America (all so horrible) and witness the typical American male on display. Sure enough, 90% of these tedious lads utilize two or more of the following accessories:

1. Tattoo(s), usually including "barbed wire" around a swollen bicep.
2. Baseball cap worn askew. That's right, symmetry is for pussies.
3. Athletic jersey with name of local sports hero on back. Shouldn't this childish custom cease at age 12? You're 45 and you have Derek Jeter's name printed on your back?!
4. Earring. Left side, lest anyone (gasp!) conclude you fancy men.

So, all of this "body armor" is designed to (desperately) convince the world that you are "cool" but also "not to be fucked with." Yawn. If you want to be cool why not dress in a fashion that is completely original?! Lose that stupid barbed wire tattoo and adorn your bicep with a full-color picture of George Bush being sodomized by Osama Bin Laden! Show off that artistic beauty at the local military bar on a Friday night and we'll see just how tough and cool you are! Funny, sure, but tough?

All of the "pro" wrestlers lamely scream and shout about their invincibility while disrespecting their opponents with angry "words that sting." This vaudeville show is completely boring as there is ZERO originality whatsoever! We get it, ya' steroid freaks, you're tough and you're gonna' kick ass. Yawn. How about an ORIGINAL character for once? How about the "Sheepish Shepherd?" A shy lad who, when not tending his well-mannered flock, comes to the big city for some good-natured grappling. In interviews he shows the utmost respect toward his opponents (with crisp grammar), declares he has a "minor" chance of prevailing, and then DESTROYS his moronic adversary.

And where's the sense of humor from these jocks? I don't think any of them have EVER said anything funny in those riveting post-game interviews. They ramble on an on about staying focused and thanking Jesus, the same crap over and over again. Just like they were taught by their peers and their domineering fathers who themselves were lousy at sports a quarter-century earlier. Hey, stud, ya' got a national audience listening! Say something that has not been uttered a million times before! Have fun! Examples:

1. Blame the loss on barometric pressure or Keanu Reeve's lousy acting.
2. Say, "A victory for us would have meant victory for the terrorists and I simply could not permit this."
3. Ignore the question and hop around like a lil' bunny.

PLEASE, say anything but that "time tested" jock bullshit!

And has an athlete ever done something funny on the playing field? Occasionally. But if they get too creative (end-zone dances) the "establishment" starts levying fines because the white folks begin to consider taking their advertising dollars elsewhere.

How about this for fun: Let's say you're an athlete and your team is winning a baseball game 18-1 in the top of the ninth inning. If you hit a single, why the hell not run directly to third base?! Sure you'll be ruled "out," but so what?! You're winning 18-1! Have fun! In 130 years of baseball this has never happened once. Why? Because this would disrespect the "jock code" and show a little originality.

Finally, I'm tired of the dull (tough sounding) sports team names. The Chargers, The Bears, The Patriots, The Vikings. Zzzzzzzzzz...... Why not utilize even scarier names: The Kansas City Kathie Lee Giffords, The Baltimore Ebolas, The Atlanta Al Qaedas, The Arkansas Evangelicals! Come on, a little creativity here, please!!

In conclusion, there is nothing cool or tough about acting like 90% of your "pals." It's lazy, it's uninspiring, but it is incredibly tempting to do so. Fight the urge and be a real man.



-Paul C. Rosa