Thursday, April 5, 2007

The Land Down Under

Let's go international, shall we?

Mexico. Land of a Thousand Sighs. The Sunshine Paradise. God's Baked Land of Love. It has long boasted many nicknames and evoked countless passions so I decided to visit this mysterious southern territory myself and file this report.

I visited Yelapa ("Enchanted Place of Great Natural Beauty and Inspiration"), situated a short boat ride from the tourist-infested city of Puerto Vallarta. A primitive town, Yelapa has only had electricity for seven years and features no roads whatsoever. Cell phone options? Forget it, Yankee! Internet? Internot! Paper and pen? You betcha' !



Nestled in an enchanted cove (no doubt many decades old), Yelapa features almost-constant sunshine, a gently breaking surf, handsome locals selling shiny artifacts, and primitive (but lovely) homes scattered throughout the surrounding hills. At the rear of many of these hovels, small family-run restaurants can be found. Delicious fish tacos, zesty chicken tortillas, ranches swerve-os (egg concoction). Heavenly! Margueritas, Daiquiris, Coronas. Sweet, tipsy refreshment.

And for the "losers" in Yelapan society? Mountains of marijuana and hash are exchanged as casually as tablets of Pez. Don't these primitive folks realize these are "gateway drugs?" I could clearly picture some of the stoned 60-year-olds eventually moving on to crystal meth or heroin. Only a matter of time. For shame.

Indeed it was the "Sunshine Paradise," but I must now dutifully report some other aspects of Yelapa which I found to be...lacking. Let me start with the way people speak. Despite easy access to english books written by such literary stars as Hemingway, Melville, and Jackie Collins, most of the citizens of Yelapa spoke jibberish! Often, when asking for directions or ordering a meal, I was forced to repeat myself again and again before being understood! As a professional writer and Level 9 English Orator (as recognized by the Brawdings Institute) I am comfortable in the notion that I communicated with great clarity. But time and time again, these tanned locals looked at me with great confusion and were unable to answer the most basic questions. How do they hope to compete with the United States (greatest country on earth) if their english is abyssmal?

And speaking of competition, I must address the restaurant "situation" in Mexico. Often, when sitting down at a beach restaurant, I was forced to wait up to ten minutes for any attention whatsoever! A casual fellow or gal would eventually amble over to my table and, after mispronouncing hello ("ola?!"), deliver a menu. In America, the menu is often already on the table and a waiter is prepared to take your order within minutes. American efficiency and excellence, my friends, form the bedrock of our global superiority and economic might. After another 10-15 minutes, the waiter (often wearing shorts and a T-shirt!) would take my order and another 20-30 minutes were squandered as I awaited my nutritious offering. Given there were no Blackberry or cell phone options, I was forced to gaze stupidly at the ocean during this time and, as Americans know, inefficient time is wasted time.

Finally, I was intensely uncomfortable to see many small, local children dashing about wearing sandals and little else. Typically, the little girls were topless and, as any good American Pastor will confirm, children should be taught Christian modesty as early as possible. As these sun-baked youngsters dashed about the village, giggling and holding hands, I could not help but believe that their parents were utterly failing them. Conformity is the key to success and undeveloped bosoms are bosoms nonetheless. I could only mourn the fact that many of these little girls would fall into lives of prostitution.

In conclusion, Mexico is the place to go if you want a warm, lazy vacation. But if excellence and efficiency are what gives you your "get up and go," might I suggest Las Vegas? And I would recommend, should you visit Mexico, that you bring a few dozen english books along as gifts for the locals.



Aufwiedersehen,
Paul C. Rosa

13 comments:

Tom said...

It's probably all due to the fact that their leader pails in comparison to W.

Anonymous said...

Wow, are you sure it was Yelapa you visited? Your comments are so far off the mark it sounds like you were in la-la land, not our beloved Yelapa.

No cell phones? No internet? Wrong on both counts. Cell phones everywhere, at least 3 different locations for internet, did you never leave the beach?

Drugs exchanged as casually as pez? Clearly, you never did leave the beach! After spending over 6 weeks in Yelapa over the past 3 years, I can tell you we've been offered drugs only twice, both times very quietly and both times, a quick no thanks and we were not bothered again. The only place drugs are offered are on the beaches during the few hours the PV tour boats come in. Gateway drugs to a 60 year old - not bloody likely. Any health professional will tell you marijuana is only a gateway drug if you're a young teen but by age 30, if it hasn't turned you into a hard drug user, it never will.

The way people speak? Why, they are speaking their mother tongue in their own back yard. What arrogance to criticize someone for speaking their own language in their own country. You chose to leave "tourist-infested PV" in favor of experiencing the authentic Mexico, yet you complain when these wonderful people go about living their authentic Mexican lives. If english-speaking waiters is what you want, then for goodness sake, stay in "tourist-infested PV" where the hotels and restaurants are a mirror images of their American counterparts. Don't go to an authentic Mexican village and expect to find American amenities. We speak no spanish either but have never and I repeat never had a problem communicating with the locals. They have no desire to compete with the United States - that's only your desire!

About the beach restaurants - what! you were forced to wait an entire 10 minutes before they got to you? On a vacation in Mexico, you can't wait 10 minutes? No menu on the table? Wait another 20 or 30 minutes gazing stupidly at the ocean? What exactly did you go to Mexico for in the first place, if not to gaze at the spectacular ocean? Sorry to hear 30 minutes of that is all your soul can bear. Inefficient time is wasted time? On a vacation sitting in an oceanfront restaurant you are wasting time? Again, what on earth possessed you to take a vacation if you were going to be forced to sit back and relax while being waited on hand and foot.

What, small local children running around (on the beach, of course) with no shirts? Hang the parents! These little girls are all destined to prostituion? Parents failing them? What a shallow view of family life in Yelapa. Any casual tourist can easily observe the family values in this community are among the strongest in the world. Clearly, you are not aware that youth from this area have the highest percentage of college graduates in the entire country. That sure sounds like neglected children headed straight to prostitution, all right.

I highly recommend you take your own vacation to Las Vegas and leave these charming, warm, friendly people to those of us who celebrate and appreciate the differences in cultures with no desire to impose our own language, lifestyle and demanding ways onto them.

By the way, weren't you the guy who in a recent post was "urging each and every one of us to accept people as they are?" Yup, you called it, you hypocrit!

The only reason I'm giving you the time of day here is in case there's even one person on the planet who reads your rubbish and would actually believe the total and complete nonsense you wrote about this wonderful little village. Shame on you!

Paul "Paul" Rosa (NY City), 45. said...

Yippee! I loved the comments from "anonymous." He/she is either extremely funny and writing tongue-in-cheek (as I did)or they actually believed that my little report on Yelapa was from the heart!

If it's the latter, I give myself kudos for fooling this boob. If it's the former, I give "anonymous" kudos for (potentially) fooling me.

I do have a feeling it's one of my evil "friends" though.

Either way....fantastic!!

-Paul

Paul "Paul" Rosa (NY City), 45. said...

The (anonymous) bellydancer was duped, ha, ha!

Enjoying it just the way it is said...

Sir,
May I suggest a trip to your physician to alleviate your constipation problem from having a stick shoved up your ass.
I am in complete agreement with your blog title, "The Unwelcome thoughts of Paul Rosa" and you certainly are not lacking credentials to be the author of "The Complete Idiot Letters" either.
I'm thinking that either you are trying to follow in the footsteps of some of the great stand-up satirical comics (and failing) or you are on the same intelligence level of a jelly fish.
Since you are a (self-described) professional writer, I suggest picking up a dictionary occasionally to correct your lousy spelling. Here in the U.S., we spell english with a capital E, and any sixth grader knows the diference between (a) heroine (a female character in literature or drama) and heroin (a narcotic made from morphine).
Even though the breast area is "pronounced" busom, it is spelled bosom. While I'm on that subject, far too many American Christian pastors know about bosoms (and more) with Jessie Jackson and Jim Baker leading the flocks to "their" interpretation of Heaven.
Ah yes, Sir Paul "Paul", stay in the Big Apple and keep your "gabacho cabeza" (North American head)out of México. They certainly don't deserve you.

Paul "Paul" Rosa (NY City), 45. said...

HA! Real men and women don't hide behind their (inane) comments anonymously. Grow a spine. Or has evolution not yet kicked in for you?

Funny how someone would claim my comments are unwelcome and yet return to my BLOG several times. Sweet irony. Sweet lie. Perhaps you'd like to hang out with John McCain? Or waste some time bellydancing for drunk barflies....

Anonymous said...

HAH!!! Just got back to B'more from vacation, sadly, apparently, not to Yelapa. Where I was there were only about 50 different forms of gibberish on any given day. YAY FOR THE GLOBAL ECONOMY!

This post made me laugh out loud, brotha! HUZZAH!

The ABIB

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What do belldancers do to earn money when they get pregnant? Or are the gigs even MORE lucrative then?

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