Sunday, April 29, 2007

A Letter From Karl Rove.

From: The Subconscious of Karl Rove
To: Fellow Republicans

"Christian" Gentlemen and Ladies,

Two words: "Fear Not." The Republican party is NOT in its last throes (ha, ha, remember that gem?) and our future is bright. Certainly not our near future (there will be no Republican President in 08') but our long-term future, beginning four years later. So relax.

Admittedly, the war in Iraq did not turn out at ALL like we planned. You must admit that four years ago it was brilliant that we claimed Saddam Hussein was an immediate threat, but not until after 9/11, when Americans were content to blame any people who had light-brown skin and names typically containing at least three "K's." Even though Iraq had as much to do with 9/11 as Peru, the morons actually fell for it. Ah, good memories.

But alas, it didn't work out and plenty of naysayers now claim we are in trouble. They say this Iraqi debacle will set back our agenda for decades. WRONG! Let me explain. In twenty months a Democrat will take over the White House (yawn). It will be that negro fellow, the lesbian Clinton, or that tree hugger, Al Gore. In order to become President, the eventual winner must guarantee a quick pull-out from Iraq as soon as he/she takes office. All we have to do is keep insisting that victory in Iraq must not come with a deadline and it will fall on the Democrats to end this war.

Well, my wealthy friends, at THIS point we can blame them for any terrorism that may follow (for decades!) by simply shrugging and saying, "The Democrats were the ones who insisted on cutting and running." And you know what?! A large percentage of the country (the same folks who actually believed the entire "uranium from Africa" fantasy) will actually believe it! Remember, they quickly forgot that 9/11 happened on our watch, months after we were told that Bin Laden was planning an imminent attack on American soil and we did nothing. So for now, even though it has been clear for three years that America has no chance of prevailing in Iraq, we will allow Americans to continue dying in a country that never threatened us. It's for the greater good. But remember, before mourning these thousands of dead Americans, that none of OUR sons and daughters need to sacrifice in any way. And the sacrifice of those who are fighting for the U.S.? Consider it as their opportunity to assure the success of the Republican party once again in 2012. A noble sacrifice, indeed.

Also, as far as "losing in Iraq," let's not be so hasty with our assessments. American contractors in Iraq (usually supporting Republican politicians) have raked in hundreds of millions of dollars on (ha, ha) no-bid contracts. You have no idea how much money Dick Cheney has made over the past four years through Halliburton! Do you think he might share that loot with Republicans in the future? Does a liberal serve valiantly in Vietnam and get effectively smeared by those who had 7 deferments or went AWOL from the National Guard? Man, I love that one. Hard to declare a war a loss when you profit like this, am I RIGHT?!

So we lay low for four years, blame the Democrats for not having the stomach for war and prepare for the next election. But we will not be docile on conservative issues. After all, the Supreme Court just passed a law forbidding third-trimester abortions (watch out Roe -v- Wade!). Most Americans actually believed us when we implied that these abortions are essentially demanded by slutty hippie women who decide, after eight months of pregnancy, to yank out the squirming, perfectly healthy babies from their wombs. Ha, ha. So few people realize that the vast, vast majority of these babies are horrifically damaged. Brains growing outside of skulls, massive skeletal disorders, and future lives of unimaginable suffering. I imagine if America knew that third-trimester abortions are performed almost exclusively after gut-wrenching personal decisions by anguished parents who want to end immense suffering, they would NEVER support our agenda. But thankfully they are not educated.

And remember, Republicans, education is our worst enemy. Keep pushing that Bible stuff (and other fairy tales) on the kids. The younger the better. The earth is 6,000 years old? You betcha!' Homosexuality is a sin? Oh yeah, but don't mention gluttony! Seventy percent of the Earth is going to hell because they don't accept Jesus? Sure, why not? People in red states will believe anything! After all, they actually believe in ANGELS!

So chin up, Republicans. We may have lost the (Iraq) battle but we will win the war. The Dems will once again be labeled cowards whenever they pull the troops out, women's bodies will (more and more) be regulated by Republican men, and the cash (the sweet, sweet cash) will continue to roll in.

Life is still good.

-K. Rove

1 comment:

Hon said...

OMG, this is probably the bitterest thing I have EVER read. And yet frighteningly it's all fucking true! SHIT We are majorly FUCKED!!!

The ABIB (clearly not the angriest anything in NYC)