Monday, January 22, 2007

Moustaches Without Borders

Patient Readers,

Last year I read about a heroic organization known as "Doctors Without Borders." The goal of these highly-educated world travelers is to provide quality (often life-saving) health care to people living in impoverished countries.

One of the noble specialties of these doctors is to offer free cosmetic surgery to youngsters with cleft palates and hair lips. These poor children often lead lives of stunning isolation and depression as their superstitious communities (and often their own families) shun them, often feeling that Satan (or some other "dark force") has cursed the child and brought bad luck to the community as a whole.

Remarkably, with a budget of only $250 per child, a western doctor can make these children appear almost 100% "better" and the thrilled patients typically go on to enjoy wonderful lives complete with social inclusion and markedly improved appearances. So many wonderful stories, so much joy! Let Jesus sing.

Of course the more money that is donated to Doctors Without Borders, the more children can be relieved of these unsightly cleft palates and hair lips. We can certainly all agree that every child in need of such surgery deserves to receive it! After all, it is almost unthinkable that an American child would be forced to endure such misery. But of course, like with anything else, money is an important consideration and there is only so much of it to go around. Logically, if we could improve the appearance of these afflicted children at less expense, then more needy patients worldwide could be served (and saved). As civilized people, we must all agree that this is indeed an honorable pursuit.

As a fairly creative fellow ("Creative Paul" they called me in middle school) I have hit upon an idea to save approximately 99% of the aforementioned $250 cost on each and every child. "Bullocks!" you may thunder as you arrogantly puff on your pipe, but allow me to explain, you pompous, arrogant elitist!!!!

Instead of subjecting each sweet child to the actual (painful) cosmetic procedure, we must remind ourselves of 2 critical things:

1. The goal is to make each child look good.
2. Less expense means more relief for more children.

In light of these facts, I suggest that the surgeries are skipped altogether and we instead ship FAKE MOUSTACHES to afflicted children worldwide. May I now point out that not only will the moustaches serve to completely cover the "problem areas," but will also demonstrate to everyone in the given village that this child has a superb sense of humor! For $2.50 (again, a 99% savings) each and every needy child on earth can receive five novelty moustaches. On any given morning, free to match their mood for the day, the sweet youngsters can choose an "Ol' Fashioned Handlebar Moustache," a "Bushy Stalin," or a "Hitler Mini" (among others). These kids will not only look better but they will instantly be the most popular members of their communities!

In conclusion, everyone is a winner here! Again, the savings will allow 100 times as many children to confidently walk about (bringing laughter to all) with no visible cleft palates or hair lips and the brave doctors can then concentrate on more-urgent surgeries that actually save lives! I don't know if my idea will make me eligible for the Nobel Peace Prize or not, but be advised that I am thinking only of the children. You see, they are our future.

Please visit my website at www. and have your credit cards at the ready.

Comedian Without Borders,
Paul "Paul" Rosa


Rich said...

You know, you just might be on to something here - I believe a lot of these "fake staches" are actually made by the same small hands that sport those unsightly afflictions you mention. In fact, I dare say that due to some of these childrens' labor efforts in these "lesser developed" countries, fake moustaches can be had for much less than $2.50 - probably on the order of $0.25!
This brings us to an even more important aspect of the subject: the illegal dumping of fake moustaches in the US market! That's right, due to these very proposed recipients of said moustaches, the US Economy's "fake moustache" (and related "fake hair, wart and scar")industry has suffered mightily in the last dozen years or so. In fact, I think it can be linked to Bush Sr. that he "gave away the handlebar" on the fake moustache industry to a "cabal" that had shadowy support from none other than Saddam Hussein. I read that at the time, Saddam was employing so many "look alikes" that he couldn't get enough fake moustaches out of his own people! The article rambled from there, but you get the idea!
So, back to your idea - by supplying the very pranksters with moustaches from "the good ol' USA", we can add jobs to our economy and make the "less funny" countries just a little more humorous!
Kudos on such a grand and visionary idea!

Economist in Training
John Maynard "Make Mine a Handlebar" Keynes

Hon said...

OK, it's HARE lip not HAIR lip. Check any picture of a HARE out on the 'net and I think you'll see that I'm right, my forward-thinkin' pal.

HARE lip.


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