Many of you surely watched George W. Bush's State of the Union address on January 23. Like most of you, I was assured the country is being governed by a wise, visonary leader. Allow me now to summarize the four sections of the speech that impressed me most. And believe me, it was excruciating to winnow the list down to four magnificent, historic sections....
1. Mr. Bush was correct when he said we have to "get them (the terrorists) over there or they'll follow us over here." Wise words, sir, wise words indeed. So many dirty, liberal hippies don't seem to understand that, of the tens of thousands of "bad guys" fighting us in Iraq now, not a single man could be spared to come on over to the good ol' U.S. of A. right now to raise a little cain. Nope, they could not ask, say, 5-10 ne'er-do-wells to lay down their Kalashnikovs, pack their bags (no hair gel!), travel to Keokuk, and blow up the water tower! Yes, as long as we engage them over there, 100% of the terrorists will dedicate themselves to STAYING over there! So, logically, all we have to do is stay over there forever and they won't pester us over here. You are a wise man, Mr. President.
2. Next, as he has said many times before, our leader gravely announced, "They hate us because we're free." Indeed they do. Just ask any of the free citizens residing in Switzerland, Brazil, Norway, Canada, South Korea, Australia, Germany, Argentina, Sweden, Monaco, Bolivia, The Czech Republic, South Africa, Hungary, Finland, Portugal, Italy, Greece, Ireland, Liechtenstein, Iceland, Scotland, or Austria. They've all suffered terrorist attacks simply because they are free too, right? Right!
3. Mr. Bush also reminded all American patriots that "Cut and run is not a policy!" Wiser words have rarely been uttered. When a war lasts 4 years and over 3,000 Americans (and 600,000 innocent Iraqis) have lost their lives, it is insane to consider ending the conflict. Why? Because the moment we end this conflict, then all of those deaths will have been in vain! Regardless of how bad it gets over there we must remember that Saddam may very well have had WMD's and ties to terrorism because, well, you can't definitively prove otherwise. Sure, things have gone poorly recently because we did not understand fully that this is a land with ancient, intense, monstrously-confusing tribal rivalries. Admittedly it also doesn't help that 70% of Iraqis want us to leave, as do 73% of Americans. But again, we must eventually prevail or all of the tragedies will be for naught. If we do not give up then there is always hope and we will never need to mourn. Yes, Mr. President, fight on we must! "Cut and run" is insanity. "Cut and MOURN" is more like it. And mourning is for sissies.
4. Finally, Mr. Bush singled out a brave hero in the audience, Wesley Autrey, who recently saved a man's life on a New York City subway track. In a solemn voice, our president stated, "There is something wonderful about a country that produces a brave and humble individual like Wesley Autrey." Amen, sir, and God bless America!!! Pick any other country on earth (feel free to use those listed above) and their citizens would never, ever lift a finger to help a fellow citizen in need. Never. In fact, I've heard that the Dutch routinely allow children to drown in plain sight and the Brits typically allow old women to lie on the sidewalk for hours, should they happen to fall. That simply couldn't happen here in God's country, the only country on earth to produce "brave and humble" folks!! As Mr. Bush clearly implied, these good qualities are uniquely American. And Mr. Autrey, a black man who was born in a segregated black hosital in the south in 1957, knows full well what a fair and wonderful country this has always been.
So listen up you filthy, commie hippies: Our President knows what's best for you so grab a shower, get a haircut, and march on down to your local recruiting station. Why? Because your President, in his historic State of the Union address, has once again taught us all that FREEDOM ISN'T FREE!! He proudly served in Vietnam, so it's time you followed his lead!