Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Vegetative State of the Union

Countrymen,

Many of you surely watched George W. Bush's State of the Union address on January 23. Like most of you, I was assured the country is being governed by a wise, visonary leader. Allow me now to summarize the four sections of the speech that impressed me most. And believe me, it was excruciating to winnow the list down to four magnificent, historic sections....

1. Mr. Bush was correct when he said we have to "get them (the terrorists) over there or they'll follow us over here." Wise words, sir, wise words indeed. So many dirty, liberal hippies don't seem to understand that, of the tens of thousands of "bad guys" fighting us in Iraq now, not a single man could be spared to come on over to the good ol' U.S. of A. right now to raise a little cain. Nope, they could not ask, say, 5-10 ne'er-do-wells to lay down their Kalashnikovs, pack their bags (no hair gel!), travel to Keokuk, and blow up the water tower! Yes, as long as we engage them over there, 100% of the terrorists will dedicate themselves to STAYING over there! So, logically, all we have to do is stay over there forever and they won't pester us over here. You are a wise man, Mr. President.

2. Next, as he has said many times before, our leader gravely announced, "They hate us because we're free." Indeed they do. Just ask any of the free citizens residing in Switzerland, Brazil, Norway, Canada, South Korea, Australia, Germany, Argentina, Sweden, Monaco, Bolivia, The Czech Republic, South Africa, Hungary, Finland, Portugal, Italy, Greece, Ireland, Liechtenstein, Iceland, Scotland, or Austria. They've all suffered terrorist attacks simply because they are free too, right? Right!

3. Mr. Bush also reminded all American patriots that "Cut and run is not a policy!" Wiser words have rarely been uttered. When a war lasts 4 years and over 3,000 Americans (and 600,000 innocent Iraqis) have lost their lives, it is insane to consider ending the conflict. Why? Because the moment we end this conflict, then all of those deaths will have been in vain! Regardless of how bad it gets over there we must remember that Saddam may very well have had WMD's and ties to terrorism because, well, you can't definitively prove otherwise. Sure, things have gone poorly recently because we did not understand fully that this is a land with ancient, intense, monstrously-confusing tribal rivalries. Admittedly it also doesn't help that 70% of Iraqis want us to leave, as do 73% of Americans. But again, we must eventually prevail or all of the tragedies will be for naught. If we do not give up then there is always hope and we will never need to mourn. Yes, Mr. President, fight on we must! "Cut and run" is insanity. "Cut and MOURN" is more like it. And mourning is for sissies.

4. Finally, Mr. Bush singled out a brave hero in the audience, Wesley Autrey, who recently saved a man's life on a New York City subway track. In a solemn voice, our president stated, "There is something wonderful about a country that produces a brave and humble individual like Wesley Autrey." Amen, sir, and God bless America!!! Pick any other country on earth (feel free to use those listed above) and their citizens would never, ever lift a finger to help a fellow citizen in need. Never. In fact, I've heard that the Dutch routinely allow children to drown in plain sight and the Brits typically allow old women to lie on the sidewalk for hours, should they happen to fall. That simply couldn't happen here in God's country, the only country on earth to produce "brave and humble" folks!! As Mr. Bush clearly implied, these good qualities are uniquely American. And Mr. Autrey, a black man who was born in a segregated black hosital in the south in 1957, knows full well what a fair and wonderful country this has always been.

So listen up you filthy, commie hippies: Our President knows what's best for you so grab a shower, get a haircut, and march on down to your local recruiting station. Why? Because your President, in his historic State of the Union address, has once again taught us all that FREEDOM ISN'T FREE!! He proudly served in Vietnam, so it's time you followed his lead!



-Citizen Paul

5 comments:

Rusty Z said...

But, he does want to decrease our dependency on fossil fuel by 20% within ten years. I guess he figures Cheney will be dead by then and won't need the money. But what about Condie?'

Leaving Isn't Losing!

Hon said...

You be one funny dude. Loved the image of the old ladies lying on the British streets for hours and how the subway hero was born into a segregated hospital. Be lovin' your blog! Keep 'em coming, you cool cat.

Rich said...

I think the key to your little rant is the title: "Vegetative" for each of your examples revolves around word manipulation. Unfortunately, the average American (ingesting a healthy dose of McDonalds or other some such fast-food) can only consume "buzz words".
"Get them over there" - a nice, homey image that reassures the folks in "the heartland" that they can continue to sit back in their La-Z-Boy(TM)'s and relegate the "dirty work" to George. Of course, the concept of reaching out through diplomacy and the hard work of quid pro quo doesn't register with these dolts.
"...we're free" - another classic "feel good" phrase that "makes American's proud". As you so correctly point out there are octets, nay more, of "free" countries and I'm sure they too worry enough to go invade and flex their collective "freedom muscles". By the way, I'm certainly a big fan of New Zealand mussels marinated in white wine - don't blow me up for it!
"cut and run" - another term that is laced with such derision that I feel the prickly weight of it in my eardrums - ouch! Isn't it beautiful how a phrase can carry such a negative emotion as to mean more than the 3 individual words?
Wesly Autry - hero? A man who did a noble thing, indeed, but not necessarily a hero. We know that word is reserved for many others before him: firefighters, policemen, etc. blech!

Finally, nice photo!

Keep on fightin'!

starve a cold, feed a fever!

LongTooth said...

Paul, I thank God every day that we were fortunate enough to finally have a man in the White House with some integrity and courage. I wouldn't expect a young liberal like yourself to appreciate integrity or courage, but I would have thought that whatever education you had (and it's obvious from your use of the language, punctuation and good spelling that you have been educated) that some history lessons would have been part of your schooling. But like so many young people today the lessons of the past aren't nearly as important as what you learn from the lyrics of Bruce Springsteen, the cleverness of "The Colbert Report," or the intense babbling of Sean Penn.

I am not so naive as to think that our president is a perfect human being, without flaws, but I do believe that he is leader of good character. I'm just a good ole American, doing okay without a college education, who worked their way up from $150 a week to a lot more, and who never begrudged the money that a Dick Cheney or a Tyra Banks might make (you seemed pretty concerned about how much money other people make). I've known some people who were overly concerned about how much money other people make and "How come they get to make so much more than me?!?"

But I'm getting off point here.

I'm used to the name-calling of liberals, so I don't want anyone wasting keyboard time trying to zing me with uneducated, anti-American pithiness. There are plenty of us out here in Red State America who believe that this president is the only one so far who had the nerve to call the enemy out and take the fight to them. The fight is so far from over that I probably won't live long enough to see it won.

Do I care what Europeans (our good "buddies") think of us now? Not one bit. Their "Age of Enlightenment" was the beginning of their fall into obscurity.

And if we lose the presidency to someone who doesn't feel the old American Judeo-Christian values are worth fighting for, then liberals like you will feel pretty satisfied with yourselves.

I'm no longer worried about it, though. I'll continue to stand up for my country and the goodness it embodies.

You can say what you like, Paul, because it is a free country. It's also a special country because of its vision that so many people from all those other countries envy. But I wish they wouldn't envy us. There's a very high price to pay for being an American.

You might be a Patriot, Paul, but you're not much of an American.

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